I just... don't know... is there a psychologist here? please help?

Where do i start.. first i got to preschool, i would have done fine alone but here everyone uses tutors and they use violence, i remember them beating me all the time, one time i remember being beat up with a piece of thick newspaper and a shoe (i was three and with a small frame) after i got beat up they put me in their small bathroom and closed the lights, i had a panic attack and passed out in there (is that why i'm afraid of the dark i don't know), the chinese kids there would cope and maybe improve in preschool idk i don't remember but i do remember always crying even in my house before i get dragged to the tutoring place (my mom didnt bother asking why of course, to her im just a whiny *****) but i didn't cope, i cried and was always scared, i just felt helpless, i didn't know it was abuse, i didn't know to tell my mother or to hate her and my tutor because what she's doing, i was three, i didn't know what to do, all i knew was.. i didn't know what i knew. If i'm not wrong the preschool and primary school here starts at 08.30 and ends at 12, so after i always went to the tutoring place till 5 or six, then its dinner bath and sleep. Never ending, 6 days a week. I thought that was life, so i just hated it but survived, it was a war zone for me so studying wasn't my priority (probably, or i probably was just crying too much at my tutoring place to study, i don't remember much of my childhood)

Here preschool is two years, but i skipped a grade (not for my grades, my intellect probably lol) so i went straight to first grade, it was pretty much the same, i had a different tutor but she was also the physical abuse kind, but i had developed a new defense mechanism, numbness, numbness to my parents fighting, numbness to my sister telling me i'm dumb and ugly, numbness to being hit by my tutor, numbness to my tutor embarassing me by taking my clothes of me in public (in front of the other kids and tutors), numbness to the other kids avoiding me, numbness to the teachers telling me i'm dumb, just numbness to the world. Sometimes my grades were good sometimes they weren't, i don't know why yet, i don't remember, i only remember bits and pieces, grade 2 3 4 was probably the same, i don't remember, its like... blurry, that was the part of my life i don't remember almost at all.

At grade 5 my mom stopped whatever she was doing the first years of my life and finally looked at me, of course we didn't and don't get along, she couldn't just step in front of me and be my parent. But what i meant at looked at me, was my grades, not my mental state, so she would remind me once in a while about my grades but she never noticed how i was always disconnected. Besides that my sister was abusing me crazily, some of the parts i remember, she would always call me names, one time i was sitting in the yard and she poured a bottle of water on top of my head, hitting me kicking me, telling me i'll never be anything, before i meet people she would tell them first how bad i am, one of the things i remember the most is that when she tried to drown me, i was numb and had stopped crying for a while then but that really hurt me badly.

And then came the divorce at the end of fifth grade, (in case you were wondering, my dad is a bastard, and yes occasionally beats me) at 6th grade even though it was bad i was proud of myself that i was keeping it together, i remember thinking that the world was to beautiful to be depressed, and it is (i have been watching national geographic since i was young, they taught me to love the little things:p)

7th grade, i got a new tutor, none abusive one, but i STILL JUST PURELY HATE STUDYING, this is one of the parts i need help with, studying, maybe its because of the memories, idk, i just don't know. I remember things perfectly but tests and "studying" ughhh.

And now my mental state in the 9th grade entering 10th grade, since the divorce my mom is slowly getting bitchier and bitchier, i thought it was just my teenage-ness i really did i thought i was just whiny but even though most of the abuse is gone now (my sister is studying abroad, dad out of the house, different teachers and this month i finally NO TUTOR since the start of this month), but since the seventh grade i have always thought of killing myself because somehow i lost my numbness and my memories started coming back, at the eight grade i tried it, i used 8 bottles of random drugs whilst the two days my mom was abroad, the two days i just slept alot and had a numb feeling with abdominal pains, and when my mom was back i just got yelled at for not going to school, once you get in the mindset of killing yourself, you just can't go back, it just seems so perfect to end it all, but i don't have anything to kill myself (easily with). And my mom doesn't help, she's more of a teenage mean-girl than a mom now, her favorite word nI just... don't know... is there a psychologist here? please help?
I am not a psychologist, but there are support lines you can call for free all over the world to help people in your situation. Please, try find one. Google it. There is always someone out there to talk. You will get through this.